Featured
You Have A Nancy Pass To Like Us On Facebook.
My barman and Web designer Uday Uzziah Jehoshaphat informs me that we need to have more people “Like” us on Facebook. While I find the idea of social media to be a Nancy flavored lollipop fit for teenyboppers and sissies ...
Dolphins Are The Bastards Of The Sea
After years of my telling people that dolphins are cold-hearted bastards, science has finally decided to back me up. Scientist Miriam Goldstein recently wrote about my favorite species to harpoon in Slate magazine. In the p...
Uproxx Hates Us. Maybe. Probably Not.
I’m the first to admit I don’t know much about this “internet” thing or the etiquette of conducting business throughout its “web.” How could I? I’m a writer. And from what I’ve seen writers have about as m...
An Invitation To Bring Home Some Narwhal Bacon
I got the loveliest invitation from Kantuk and Sanut from Greenland today inviting me to join them narwhal hunting. They promise that, if successful I can have half the meat and the head and tusk for a taxidermy mount. Whil...
Sorry Manuel, There’s No Such Things As Dwarves
My houseboy and avoider of all things involving personal hygiene Manuel shared with me a story from some “news source” about a dwarf. “She to live but no can cuz ah’ the weeds to be much higher than she and the lan’lo...
Killer Whales Hating People Is Not News
Last week I posted a little ditty about how killer whales are ornery bastards hell bent on killing folks. Well it seems that in the wake of my comments the news media has decided to print some stats on killer whales acting vi...
Does No One In Borneo Know How To Accept A Bribe? All I Want Is To Shoot A Dammed Orangutan!
For the past three decades I’ve tried desperately to fill the space in my 18,000-square foot trophy room reserved for a bull orangutan to no avail. My appeals to those in the Borneo government fell on deaf ears. My bribes...
Sears Employees Are A Bunch Of Cowering Nancies
A bear walked into a Sears store outside of Pittsburgh and not one of the Nancies working there took a shot at it. Rather they all started crying and whining about the little furry piece of crap until someone got the courage ...
Enough With The Paternity Tests!
It seems as though every time my dog trainer and mail retriever Eunuch John returns from the post office he’s carrying yet another court order for a paternity test. Most of these are completely baseless and a waste of pap...
Would It Kill You To Support Our Advertisers?
You know, elephant hunts don’t grow on trees. Nor do Cuban cigars, booze, prime cuts of meat, or all the indentured servants I own employee. And let’s not even touch on the economic bloodbath that is my monthly alimony ...